Healing is an Itch!

A few weeks ago, I found myself tumbling down a flight of stairs. It sounds bad, but this is very typical of my clumsy nature. I have always been that way. It is very rare for my body to be absent of a cut, scrape, bruise, or all of the above. Well, in this particular fall, I managed to score myself a pretty awesome bruise on upper thigh. It definitely had that "wow" factor, impressive not only in size, but also in color. The most beautiful hues of violet and aubergine that you have ever seen. I have to say, I did a good job on that one.

It actually began to heal much faster than I expected, and during this process, something very strange happened. It began to itch like crazy. I mean, I could not keep my hands off it. I hate scratching by the way. It feels good in the moment, but usually almost always leaves you unsatisfied (and scarred). And then if you don't scratch, it is torturous waiting for it to pass. I think I remember from my anatomy class that an itch is a combination of heat and pain. (Remember that one for a point that I will make later.)

Never, in my lifetime of bruises, had this happened before. So, like I do with almost everything, I googled it. Come to find out, sometimes if there is damage to the nerves during the abrasion, then they will randomly fire as they are healing. I don't know if this is particularly interesting, but it got me thinking about healing.

Healing: a word with pretty positive connotation I would say. Oh, and the synonyms are even better: renew, rejuvenate, alleviate...and a personal favorite to say, revivify. Sounds like a day at the spa, doesn't it? I hate to break it to you, but healing has a sketchy side to it. Point in case: the itching. Ugh, the uncomfortable, intolerable, happens at the most inconvenient times (like during a dignified conversation) and all I want to do and can think about doing is lifting my skirt and scratching my leg with vigor! It is a rough process, and sometimes all you can feel is the heat and the pain, and you wonder if things are even getting better.

A few years ago, my mom got in a really bad car accident. She broke both legs in several places, her arm, and her neck. Her recuperation consisted of many surgeries, weeks in the hospital, months in a bed, and a lot of prayer. It was brutal to even watch, and I can't imagine going through that. But she did it. And actually, exactly one year to the date after her accident she rode her bike 17+ miles, something that she had not even done previous to the wreck.

Here is where I get a little more personal to bring this thing home. The last four years have been like perpetually falling down a flight of stairs for me. Emotional heartbreak, spiritual questioning, and a series of stupid decisions left me in a proverbial body cast. Here is the thing about healing though. When the process does begin, you know it is happening. Yeah maybe it is because you can feel the itching, the pain and the heat, and I will admit it. That part sucks. But to go from something that is a broken down mess to something that is whole, how could you not want that?

I write this partly because it is therapeutic for me to do so, but more importantly to transfer hope. While this process, which I have such a bittersweet sentiment for, has it's uncomfortable moments, it does have something going for it. It works. Maybe it means more patience. Maybe it means less movement (my personal weakness). But give it a chance. Let it do its job. I promise promise promise you that it will be worth it! Ask my mom. No, wait ask me!

Schema Academia

People are interesting to me, so diverse, so unpredictable. That is why most of my college coursework was dedicated to psychology and sociology. I was thinking about something that I learned in one of my psych classes. Schema's. Here is the breakdown:

"A schema is a cognitive framework or concept that helps organize and interpret information. Schema's can be useful, because they allow us to take shortcuts in interpreting a vast amount of information. However, these mental frameworks also cause us to exclude pertinent information in favor of information that confirms our pre-existing beliefs and ideas. Schema's can contribute to stereotypes and make it difficult to retain new information that does not conform to our established schema's. "

Whoa, hope that was not too boring for you. Here is another take. My schema for a dog is a four legged furry mammal that barks at cars. He also happens to be white, weigh close to a hundred pounds and be named Jaxson. This is helpful because when someone talks about a dog, I have a mental picture to attach to the word dog. But, when I see Paris Hilton carrying around a chihuahua in a crystal studded Juicy purse trying to pass it off as a dog, it doesn't work for me. It is closer to my rat schema.

Ok, now that the school lesson is over, and we all know what a schema is I can get to my point.

We have to keep our minds open, learn to adapt, be open to possibilities! Allow me to be real with you for a second (as if I haven't been), probably one of my biggest mental blockades have had to do with the institution called church. Having spent my most formative years here, it is no surprise that I have schemas galore! I have mentally packed things very neatly in their little boxes. "This is prayer, and it goes here. This is praise...oh right here." Occasionally, I would hear things that conflicted with my ideas, but the brain is so automatic, it was immediately filed in the miscellaneous folder.

The prayer one went a little like this. Prayer: most effective when done at church, but could be done at home when church is not in session. Need to be kneeling or laying prostrate in candle-like lighting. Sounds best in King James verbiage, heavy on the thee's and thou's. You want to kind of sing the words as you pray with a Native American chanting tone. This is what God likes!

Sounds ridiculous, right? Seriously though, this was my mental picture to correlate with prayer. And ok, I cheesed it up a little for your entertainment, but I bet many people have some version of this idea.

Well, let me tell you something, not knocking any King James chantings, but I have recently opened my mind to something new.

A few years ago, I went on a LONG road trip with my best friend. We know all about each other, so it did not take long for us to run out of conversation. That does not mean however that we stopped communicating. There was the nonverbal (most of communication anyway), the music we played back and forth for each other, and even if one of us were sleeping, there was the constant knowledge that we were still right there, together, close enough to touch.

That is how I feel right now. Like I am on an even LONGER road trip, and He is right here...close enough to touch.

It is by no means easy to undo years of existing beliefs and ideas. It is a battle, full of carnage, that we fight with our brains, but it can be done. It is like being shut inside a stuffy house. You may just need to opens the windows (of your mind) and feel the fresh breeze of the wind on your face. I will tell you, it feels great!

Married-ly Merrily...Life is But a Dream

I was thinking about marriage today...

Wait, first of all, I want to apologize in advance to all of the brides, future brides, wedding enthusiasts, those girls that have had there wedding planned since they were 9, moms whose sole purpose in life is to marry off her child, and anyone else that I may have missed that might be offended by what I am about to say. That is not my purpose here, yet this post is probably not for you.

I was recently visiting my hometown after being gone for while when I ran into an older man that I used to go to church with. It would be very rude to say that this man is a gossipy moron with the sense of a peanut, so I will just say that he is less than tactful. He proceeds to ask the dreaded question plus some: if I'm married, why I'm not married, when am I gonna get married, how is it possible to be unmarried. Then repeated the same line of questions to my mother. Most people are more tasteful in approach, but the fact is many of them want to know the exact same thing. So, here I am to set the record straight.

First of all, I missed the "wedding gene" that most girls possess. This is why. I have sat through my share of weddings, and I know what people are thinking in the audience: why did she pick that dress/bouquet/song, how long is this going to last, I wonder what they are going to have to eat... I know people do it because I have been one of them. One of 300+ guests critiquing every move that is being made and discussing it in fervent detail with the person next to me. I have sat there and whitnessed these aquaintences make the most important decision of their life while counting the number of times the singer goes off key. You know you have too! It seems it has become a contest. Who can outdo whom, who can get the most people there, who can waste...I mean spend the most money. Not saying this is always the case, but yes, most of the time it is. So, no thanks. I'll pass. While some may use a monsterous wedding as a selling point for marriage, I will take the tiny meaningful, personal ceremony without the critics anyday. Heck, if it is the right person, it could be on the side of the road at a truck stop in the rain, and I would be happy. I don't want to miss the point.

Secondly, I don't know if I am on board with the whole marriage thing yet. It appears to me that most "love boats" are sinking ships. Happy pairs seem to be the exception and not the rule. I am scared to even look at what the divorce rate is now. Being a veteran of relationships myself, I know they are not always a picnic, but I just assume that when you pledge eternity to someone that you are sure that person is the one you want to "fight" with forever. I guess that is just me. And why I am not married. I have not found my "opponent" yet.

Another reason. I am an idealist. A dreamer. An optimist. A romantic. A head in the clouds kinda girl. I have tried to balance myself by surrounding myself with very pragmatic, logical people. Didn't help. So, I am holding out.

Lastly, and probably most simply said: I am not ready. Not only do I have a To Do list the size of Kansas (that includes but is not limited to living in Bali, feeding all the hungry children, and publishing a series of books..), but emotionally I feel about five, and those kindergarten marriages rarely work out. I am sure there is an arsenal of prayers being sent up daily that this maturation occurs quickly, so we will see what happens.

I bet you did not know this much about me. Truthfully, I don't know that I did either, but now I have it in writing. This will come in very handy when watching sappy rom-com's or during sudden bouts of intense lonliness. I also may have flyers drawn up for convenience when asked the question again...just to be thorough.